jengine07

I'm not sure what to write about, I haven't written in a live journal in forever. I finally have cleaned my room. It looks amazing and I hope I have the will to keep it that way. I Sometimes get sooo lazy my living habits can become quite disgusting. Anyways, I am quite pleased with it, now I must clean out my car! My room is soo small that I dont have room to put all of my stuff in it so I put the rest of it in my car.

I'm not sure what has made me soo happy and has filled me with this new energy. Was it being healthy? Was it breaking up with Carlos? Is it because spring has finally come? I'm not sure...maybe it is all of the above. This winter was soo hard on me. Everyday felt like a struggle, but now everything seems so new and beautiful and I feel like maybe I can make it again.

My relationship with Carlos is something that, in a way, I regret now. I liked him and from the beginning I was attracted to him, but it wasn't like I melted like butter. It was just purely physical. We became friends, but that was just it. He was a good-looking friend. When he asked me to be his girfriend, I felt like it was a little rushed, but I said yes anyways. I dont know I guess I was thinking "Hey, you've been single for a year and a half now. Maybe it is time to try new things, give him a chance. Maybe your not that strongly attracted to him mentally, but give it time and it might change!" It didn't though. He was a great boyfriend, but there was something about him I just couldn't up to. It was like when he came around he drained my energy. I was always someone I wasn't. I felt like if he really new me he would be disgusted. He tried his hardest, but I always turned away. We were together for 4 month and I wasn't inlove with him. He once alluded to the fact he was falling in love him me, but whenever he would try to tell me I would be like...uhhhh maybe later. I thought if I just gave it a little more time I would fall inlove with him too. I didn't. He got tired and we had a mutual break-up. If you ask him he will say he broke up with me. If you ask me I was the one who actually said let's break up, but he did kind of push me.

I'm happier. It is for the best. I dont feel like I have to be someone I'm not. I am free to do whatever I want, but he made me soo mad. His ex-girlfriend who tried to get between us when we were dating suddenly comes back into his life after we break up talking shit about me. He didn't see the problem. That hurt sooo bad. I wasn't in love with him but I loved him as a friend (I'm not sure if that sounds contradictory with what I said earlier but it is true). I felt like he was someone who could be loyal and I was always loyal to him. I rarely let people have my trust and when it is broken it hurts like nothing else. Maybe this intense anger or sadness I feel when I think of him from time to time is from how I felt like I didn't do enough. Atleast in my last relationship, as horrible and abusive and long and so much more emotionally involved it was, when I broke up with him I was fine....I felt like I did everything I could. I feel like it is my fault this time, I didn't do enough, I treated him like shit. He can look back and say "Well I tried everything I could," but I don't.

I want to fall madly madly inlove. I want a man who loves me for every good and bad seed in my body, is extremely attracted to me, will have hour long conversations with me, and would do anything for me...but what's more important is how I feel. I want to love him for every good and bad thing he is, I want to be extremely attracted to him, I want to want to have hour long conversations with him, I want him to make me feel as though I don't have to censor myself, I want him to say your past is not important to me and make me believe him, I want him to make me feel like I have nothing to fear when I'm with him. Why do I want these things? Because I have never felt that way about anyone. Everyone I was with seemed to be more inlove with me than I was with them. There have been people I have liked more then they have liked me in the past, but not by much. Im always trying to make myself fall inlove and it never works. Why!? It seems so easy for other people my age. all my friends around my age fall inlove so easily...but not me. Im too paranoid, I don't trust people, and I feel like most people wouldn't like me if they new me. It isn't because I think I'm a bad person. I just think they will think im annoying or crazy or both....mostly both. I know Im young and I shouldn't worry about it and it is a good thing to be single and blah blah blah crap crap crap. I love being single. I am free. When Im in a relationship I feel the need to change myself and mold myself into the image they want and it never works. That is why I don't like being in relationships. I do like me. I would just love to meet someone who I felt like I didn't have to change for, who loved me for everything I am--past, present, and future.

Anyways I do have a question. How do I get rid of this anger?